Choices
by paper.creations
Summary: I was trying to prepare myself, if one could do that in a situation like this. How was I to approach it? Could I make it through the whole thing? Would I be able to destroy Bella like I was planning to? - Edward's pov when he leaves Bella in New Moon


**_A/N: _**This is what happens when I feel romantic and angsty. I like it, actually. But geez, I just can't get my endings right lately. First Thunderstorm, then this. -sighs- Oh well. I _do_ like my ending line, though.

Enjoy! It was so odd, reading the beginning of New Moon again. I haven't read the series in forever. I definetly need to re-read.

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I was trying to prepare myself, if one could do that in a situation like this. How was I to approach it? Could I make it through the whole thing? Would I be able to destroy Bella like I was planning to?

But I had to, and that thought firmed the resolve in my mind and scattered all opposition. I had to.

I was parked outside her house, waiting for her to make the drive from the school to her house in her ancient truck. I could picture her, her small frame comically dwarfed by the monstrously ancient truck.

A small amount of guilt burned in the back of my brain. I had peeked at Bella's letter to her mother, and to see what she had seen over the last few days startled even myself. The first few pictures had been of me, giving me the rude reminder of how completely Bella's life had begun to revolve around me – which was my fault. In the span of two pictures, I had seen the immense difference in my face. The first I had been openly in love with her, and in the other, I was trying to hide my hideous scheme to break two hearts with a few well aimed words.

I heard the wheezing of the truck before I saw it, but soon enough, the garishly red truck appeared over the horizon, bringing me my Bella. No, not my Bella. Not anymore.

Bella finally halted her truck in the driveway, thankfully parking _beside_ my Volvo and not behind it, which meant it would be easier to collect when I finally left. God, I'm such an ass. Already planning my escape route.

Her face was cautiously optimistic as I got out of my car at the same time she exited hers. Her eyes brightened as I took her book bag from her, as per usual. Her face fell as I gently dropped it onto her car seat.

"Come for a walk with me." I said, trying to seem detached and cold. Didn't she notice my pleading tone? Couldn't she see the unwillingness in my eyes?

She blanched, and when she didn't respond right away, I took her elbow and guided her into the forest. It was better that she didn't talk. Maybe I could get through my opening argument quickly, leading into many days with many arguments. I was prepared to fight my way out of Bella's heart.

I stopped us when we reached the point where if we went further, she wouldn't be able to see her house. I wanted her to have a beacon to safety, since I would be running away, back to my Volvo and then to the abandoned house rather quickly.

I released her arm, all the while wondering if that would be the last time I would be able to touch her.

I knew this was the right choice, it was obvious. What we were and what she was just couldn't mix - like water and vinegar. It wasn't the choice I regretted. It was the way it had to be executed. What I wouldn't give to have spent these last days with her, sharing everything, letting her know just how much I love her. But Bella needs to see how uncaring I could be. How remote and inhuman I am. She needs to understand that we are not meant to be, even though I don't believe it. I needed to be a perfect actor, for her sake and mine.

Leaning against the nearest tree, I tried to fix Bella with my coldest stare, my frozen heart shattering at the idea of hurting her.

"Okay, let's talk." She said, slightly squaring her shoulders as though preparing for a blow. I'm so sorry, Love.

Taking a deep breath to prepare myself, I delivered the blow. "Bella, we're leaving."

She inhaled sharply, and I could almost see her mind whirling at the possibilities the sentence offered.

"Why now? Another year-" Was far too much time to give myself.

"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all?" Not long enough for my liking. "Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now." But he could make it a few more years. "We'd have to start over soon regardless." But not this soon.

Confusion clouded her beautiful face, and I tried to understand what conclusions she was making in her backwards mind. She looked deeply into my eyes, and I struggled to hide anything but the unforgiving coldness of my being. Suddenly, the revolting shock exploded onto her face, and I knew she understood.

"When you say _we_-," She whispered, but I heard it, loud and clear. Her hurt expression twisted my stomach like I had swallowed glass and had chased it down with a large human pizza.

"I mean my family and myself." The pauses between the words seemed miles long, but I couldn't bring myself to string the words any closer together. Her head swung back and forth jerkily, as though an automatic reaction to this kind of shock. I waited while she dealt with the new information. Maybe she was finally grasping at what I was saying: we were leaving her behind.

"Okay, I'll come with you." Foolish, prefect human. I wish you _could_ come, but that would defeat the purpose of us leaving.

"You can't, Bella. Where we're going...It's not the right place for you." Because you wouldn't be there.

"Where you are is the right place for me." She insisted, her whole body leaning forward and dissolving he space between us _and_ my resolve.

"I'm no good for you, Bella." The ugly truth of it snapped me back to the plan. I couldn't give in to her. I needed to be miles – thousands of hundreds of miles – away before she could be safe. I wouldn't – couldn't – live with myself if I was the one to cause her demise.

"Don't be ridiculous." She pleaded, twisting my throat uncomfortably tight, which added the pain of the thirst I was battling. But it was nothing compared to the screaming of my heart. "You're the very best part of my life."

And that's why we can't be. You can't depend on me when I want to kill you, Love. "My world is not for you." I told her, hoping I wouldn't have to say it again. Just understand, Bella, please. I can't lie to you much longer.

"What happened with Jasper – that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!" She said desperately, clinging to fragmented past arguments and statements, hoping to patch them together to make me stay. But she couldn't. My mind works faster than hers does, and my resolve is iron strong. It's all for her.

"You're right," I agreed grimly, "it was exactly what was to be expected." And it was. I couldn't believe how blind I had been. I wasn't safe for her. I had fought to save her from James, yet I was just as bad as him. I wanted her just like he had, and if I didn't remove myself from her presence, I would be just as bad as he was, and a hypocrite to boot.

"You promise!" She cried, her cheeks flushing and unshed tears sparkling in her eyes. "In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay-"

"As long as that was best for you." I finished for her. I had promised her something else too.

"_No!_" She shouted, causing me to feel intense guilt. I was the one causing her heart to race in anger, not in infatuation. I shouldn't be doing this. "This is about my soul, isn't it? Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul." She pleaded, "I don't want it without you – it's yours already!"

How could she ask me to take her soul away from her? She never understood the danger I posed to her. How easily it would be for me to let my teeth sink into her soft flesh, to suck in the delicious red liquid, to snatch her life away as easily as it was given to her. I wouldn't be able to stop twice, that I was sure on.

I let my eyes examine the leaf covered ground, wishing I could give up the charade and take her into my arms; to soothe away the hurt I had caused. But I had started something I could not stop. It was like a boulder rolling down a mountain. I grimaced slightly, but I quickly wiped the expression off my face. I needed to be blank. She needed to see how emotionless I could really be.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me."

Such treachery has never passed another's lips. Her head bowed as she absorbed the information, and I watched.

I found my eyes lingering on her beautiful face as she watched the ground with a wounded expression. How many times had I pulled away from those lips so I wouldn't break them? How many times had I traced those cheeks, using only the lightest touch so I wouldn't shatter them? How many times had I looked into her deep, chocolate eyes and wanted to throw caution to the wind and bite her, making her mine forever?

And now I would never be able to do those things again.

Her head came up, and broken chocolate eyes met my cold, unyielding ones.

"You...don't...want me?" She choked, as though it was as acidic on her tongue as it was on mine. Of course I want you, Love, but I want you to be safe more.

I swallowed hard. "No."

Her eyes pleaded with mine, begging me to retract the lie.

I had told her that I wouldn't live without her. What lies. But then again, what I was leaving to do most certainly wouldn't be living. And she would still be breathing, which is what I fully intended. But to live without her presence would be excruciating. I wasn't sure I would be able to handle it, but for Bella, I would try anything, do anything, fight anyone. I was her slave. She _had_ captured my heart, after all. And how could one live – vampire or human – without a heart?

"Well, that changes things." She said calmly, and for one wonderful moment, I thought she had seen through what I was saying. I thought that she had seen how unwilling I was to leave her, that she would fight to keep me.

But then I saw the utter despair in her lovely face, and I knew she saw what I had intended for her to see.

It was too hard to watch, and I had to look away like a coward into the trees, to deliver the final blow. "Of course, I'll always love you..." Always and forever. "In a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm..." So sorry to have put you in harm's way. So sorry it has to end like this. So in love with you I will ache every second we are apart. "_Tired_ of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human." I could see my face in her eyes, and I most certainly didn't look human. "I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."

Her broken eyes haunted me. "Don't. Don't do this." She whispered, her whole body sagging downwards with the pain I was causing. My heart ripped itself into little pieces, and I felt the urge to kneel before her and offer them to her before I left. She _must_ know I would leave my heart with her. The thing that once kept me alive would be with her. Here. Without me, like it should be.

"You're not good enough for me, Bella." But she was. _I_ was the one that wasn't good enough.

Her face crumpled at the finality of the statement, and I felt oddly empty. I hadn't expected the argument to last only one day. I had thought she would fight harder, see the lies immediately. But no, Bella had accepted everything I said like she thought it was _true_.

"If...that's what you want." She whispered, her voice cracking. I nodded, not trusting my own voice to say the words.

How I wished I could retract my promise to her. How could I have said that I would continue to live even if something happened to her? It was a given that I would follow her into the grave, if it were to come to that, but I prayed to God that it wouldn't. It was unfortunate, for Bella's sake, that God probably didn't help the soulless vampires of the world, and therefore, wouldn't help Bella because I asked. Charlie and the wolves would have to be enough.

"I would like to ask one favour, though, if that's not too much." She looked up at me in such pain – ten times the expression she wore when James' venom tore through her system – that I felt the mask I had carefully constructed fall. I hated myself so much for what I was doing to her, and on top of it, I was asking her for a _favour_. She looked at me quizzically, and I quickly replaced the mask, hiding the self-loathing that had paraded on my face.

"Anything." She said, broken and whole-hearted. She would do what I asked her to, which caused the barbs that encircled my once-vital organ painfully.

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid," I said, putting my full emotions behind my words for the last time. Maybe she would understand, "Do you understand what I'm saying?" She needed to protect herself when the _wolves_ and her father couldn't.

She nodded weakly, and just like that, I had no more reason to stay. She was releasing me, without a fight.

"I'm thinking of Charlie, of course." Lie. "He needs you." But not as much as I do. "Take care of yourself – for him." For me.

She nodded, and whispered, "I will."

The idea that she would be as safe as she could be relaxed me a little. I didn't have to worry about her safety while I went away and died.

"And I'll make a promise in return." I said, dragging out my goodbye just so I could gaze upon her a little longer. "I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed." Or as though I had died when I was supposed to. And I fully intended to keep this promise to her. It was the least I could do, after all.

Her whole being began to vibrate helplessly, and I couldn't rush forward to help her.

I smiled as softly – as patronizingly – as I could while I tore myself apart.

"Don't worry. You're human – your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."

"And your memories?" She choked out, demanding to know. My memories? I would remember them every day until the day you die, and then I'll follow you into oblivion.

"Well" – I hesitated. I wasn't sure I could lie anymore, especially with something as atrocious as this, but I had to. "I won't forget. Buy _my _kind...we're very easily distracted." I smiled, thinking how ridiculous this was. I would _never_ be distracted from Bella.

I took a step back, and my being screamed for me to stop. "That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."

She blinked in surprise. "Alice isn't coming back." She moaned. I cringed internally, having thought I had made it clear. More pain.

I shook my head. "No. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."

"Alice is gone?" She asked in disbelief. She couldn't believe her best friend has just left.

'You can't make me go without saying goodbye, Edward!' Alice had protested, her full wrath unfurling. But Jasper was one my side; his self-loathing nearly matching mine.

'Please, Alice. For me.'

We had fought, and said things we both regretted, but she had finally acquiesced, with the help of Jasper.

"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you." I said.

Bella swayed on her feet, her breathing jagged and her heart beating fast and unrelenting.

"Goodbye, Bella." I said, nearly choking on the words.

"Wait!" She cried, reaching for me, but I knew I would be undone within a second if she touched me with her warm, soft hands.

I locked my cold, dead hands around her wrists and pinned her hands by her waist. I knew that what I was doing was very wrong, and would make it so much harder to leave, but the selfish, masochistic part of me demanded it, and when it came to Bella, I was extremely greedy.

I leaned forward and pressed my lips to her forehead, revelling in the heat for the last time. I couldn't bring myself to kiss her lips, for surely I would have been undone.

"Take care of yourself." I breathed, begging her to stay safe, for me.

And then I wrenched myself from her and left, faster than she could process that I wasn't there anymore.

My mind whirled as it slogged through the pain and my mile-long to-do list. From what I could hear, Bella was moving in the wrong direction, and I couldn't go back to stop her.

I made my way back to her house in seconds, easily jumping up into her second story bedroom window – which she left open all the time now – and made my way to the kitchen, grabbing a pen and a piece of paper on the way. Imitating her handwriting, I wrote a note to Charlie as to where to find her, just in case she got lost.

I then dashed back to her bedroom and gathered everything I could find that I had given her, piling it onto her bed until I was sure I had secured everything.

The next problem was, where to put it? I certainly did not want to take it with me, but I didn't want to destroy it. There had to be a compromise.

It was then that I remembered the squeaky floorboard, the one I had become so good at skipping. In one swift motion, I bent down and pried it up, pleased to find an empty space just big enough to fit everything I needed to hide. I had promised her it would be like I had never existed.

After shoving everything in and closing it back up, I had no real reason to still be in her room, but I couldn't leave.

I let my hand trail over her pillow, jealous that it could stay and comfort her while I couldn't. But it wasn't the time or place to break down. No, I had to make it out of the state before I did that.

So in stilted motions, I jumped down to my car and whipped out of the driveway, going as fast as I could in the wrong direction – which was any direction away from Bella.

I drove past the house I had once called home. It was cleared out; all our valuables and keepsakes that had been collected throughout the years were shoved into flimsy cardboard boxes and being driven away to the new location. I didn't bother to find out what town they would be living in. All I knew was that I wouldn't be joining them.

_Goodbye, Bella. I love you_.

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**_A/N: _**-sobs- Makes me so sad. But I love it. I am very happy with this one, and I hope y'all think so too!

Review please, and have a lovely day!

-Maggie


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